Sunday, June 10, 2007

An older post...,

I don't know why I'm typing this, I don't know why I'm online. Its 4.00 AM and bloody hot in Delhi, and I don;t know why I;m here.

I've completed another semester in NALSAR, my hardest to date. I've done more work than ever. And all getting weaker and weaker. I don't need sympathy, or pity, but I need to find out where I am going. It's no fun to change from a largely ebullient personality into a depressive freak, especially when its happening when you don't know how. A friend of mine pointed out I was part of an 'ilk', a group of people who are obsessed with their CGPAs and hold them central to their life. I don't know how true that was, but it may be where I am going. Then again, the question arises as to happiness. What makes me happy? Making other people (or specified persons) happy, or hurting them and moving ahead in something I have always contemptuously considered to be the rat race.

Another thing I need to understand is the purpose of the blog. This blog started out as a public diary of sorts, written in a more-or-less humourous sort of way. It doesn't work any more. I cringe at a large part of what I have written, and think it's incredibly juvenile. As indeed, was I.

Also, for those of you that don't know it yet, love sucks. Completely. Especially unrequited. It's stupid to not walk away from it. I tried, but it doesn't work. The people in question might change, but the feeling remains the same. I read a very interesting line recently:

"United souls are not satisfied with embraces, but desire to be each other; which, being impossible, these desires are infinite, and proceed without a possibility of satisfaction"

Curiously enough, that ties in with Heer's lament, which, translated from the original, reads:

"Having repeated Ranjha's name innumerable times, I have become him,
Address me by his name, and no one remember I was ever Heer"

Which is just odd, because it's weird that two languages so far apart would express virtually the same emotion, albeit one that is also true. I don't know what love is, but in my experience it usually hurts, whether requited or unrequited. You have an urgent desire to possess the other person, and to control the person's life, but you realise that that would not be fair to the other, and thus are doomed to eternal dissatisfaction.

And that, on top of other things, is just the last straw.